THE SEDUCTIVE PULL OF SOCIAL NORMS
Humans are herd animals. We want to fit in, to bond with others, and to
earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to
our survival. For most of our evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in
tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe—or worse, being cast out—was a
death sentence. “The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”
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Meanwhile, those who collaborated and bonded with others enjoyed
increased safety, mating opportunities, and access to resources. As Charles
Darwin noted, “In the long history of humankind, those who learned to
collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” As a result, one
of the deepest human desires is to belong. And this ancient preference
exerts a powerful influence on our modern behavior.
We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them. We follow the
script handed down by our friends and family, our church or school, our
local community and society at large. Each of these cultures and groups
comes with its own set of expectations and standards—when and whether to
get married, how many children to have, which holidays to celebrate, how
much money to spend on your child’s birthday party. In many ways, these
social norms are the invisible rules that guide your behavior each day.
You’re always keeping them in mind, even if they are at the not top of your
mind. Often, you follow the habits of your culture without thinking, without
questioning, and sometimes without remembering. As the French
philosopher Michel de Montaigne wrote, “The customs and practices of life
in society sweep us along.”
Most of the time, going along with the group does not feel like a burden.
Everyone wants to belong. If you grow up in a family that rewards you for
your chess skills, playing chess will seem like a very attractive thing to do.
If you work in a job where everyone wears expensive suits, then you’ll be
inclined to splurge on one as well. If all of your friends are sharing an inside
joke or using a new phrase, you’ll want to do it, too, so they know that you
“get it.” Behaviors are attractive when they help us fit in.
We imitate the habits of three groups in particular:
1. The close.
2. The many.
3. The powerful.
Each group offers an opportunity to leverage the 2nd Law of Behavior
Change and make our habits more attractive.
1. Imitating the Close
Proximity has a powerful effect on our behavior. This is true of the physical
environment, as we discussed in Chapter 6, but it is also true of the social
environment.
We pick up habits from the people around us. We copy the way our
parents handle arguments, the way our peers flirt with one another, the way
our coworkers get results. When your friends smoke pot, you give it a try,
too. When your wife has a habit of double-checking that the door is locked
before going to bed, you pick it up as well.
I find that I often imitate the behavior of those around me without
realizing it. In conversation, I’ll automatically assume the body posture of
the other person. In college, I began to talk like my roommates. When
traveling to other countries, I unconsciously imitate the local accent despite
reminding myself to stop.
As a general rule, the closer we are to someone, the more likely we are
to imitate some of their habits. One groundbreaking study tracked twelve
thousand people for thirty-two years and found that “a person’s chances of
becoming obese increased by 57 percent if he or she had a friend who
became obese.” It works the other way, too. Another study found that if one
person in a relationship lost weight, the other partner would also slim down
about one third of the time. Our friends and family provide a sort of
invisible peer pressure that pulls us in their direction.
Of course, peer pressure is bad only if you’re surrounded by bad
influences. When astronaut Mike Massimino was a graduate student at MIT,
he took a small robotics class. Of the ten people in the class, four became
astronauts. If your goal was to make it into space, then that room was about
the best culture you could ask for. Similarly, one study found that the higher
your best friend’s IQ at age eleven or twelve, the higher your IQ would be
at age fifteen, even after controlling for natural levels of intelligence. We
soak up the qualities and practices of those around us.
One of the most effective things you can do to build better habits is to
join a culture where your desired behavior is the normal behavior. New
habits seem achievable when you see others doing them every day. If you
are surrounded by fit people, you’re more likely to consider working out to
be a common habit. If you’re surrounded by jazz lovers, you’re more likely
to believe it’s reasonable to play jazz every day. Your culture sets your
expectation for what is “normal.” Surround yourself with people who have
the habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together.
To make your habits even more attractive, you can take this strategy one
step further.
Join a culture where (1) your desired behavior is the normal behavior
and (2) you already have something in common with the group. Steve
Kamb, an entrepreneur in New York City, runs a company called Nerd
Fitness, which “helps nerds, misfits, and mutants lose weight, get strong,
and get healthy.” His clients include video game lovers, movie fanatics, and
average Joes who want to get in shape. Many people feel out of place the
first time they go to the gym or try to change their diet, but if you are
already similar to the other members of the group in some way—say, your
mutual love of Star Wars—change becomes more appealing because it feels
like something people like you already do.
Nothing sustains motivation better than belonging to the tribe. It
transforms a personal quest into a shared one. Previously, you were on your
own. Your identity was singular. You are a reader. You are a musician. You
are an athlete. When you join a book club or a band or a cycling group,
your identity becomes linked to those around you. Growth and change is no
longer an individual pursuit. We are readers. We are musicians. We are
cyclists. The shared identity begins to reinforce your personal identity. This
is why remaining part of a group after achieving a goal is crucial to
maintaining your habits. It’s friendship and community that embed a new
identity and help behaviors last over the long run.
2. Imitating the Many
In the 1950s, psychologist Solomon Asch conducted a series of experiments
that are now taught to legions of undergrads each year. To begin each
experiment, the subject entered the room with a group of strangers.
Unbeknownst to them, the other participants were actors planted by the
researcher and instructed to deliver scripted answers to certain questions.
The group would be shown one card with a line on it and then a second
card with a series of lines. Each person was asked to select the line on the
second card that was similar in length to the line on the first card. It was a
very simple task. Here is an example of two cards used in the experiment:
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